Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Relationship Rules 101

I'm getting married in approximately 10 days. I've been with my fiancé, Jordan since late 2008 and we've been living together since the end of August. There are a few things I've learned throughout our time together that I want to impart with my readers.

Never go to sleep angry - As hackneyed as it sounds, take time to cool off and show a little tenderness towards your partner. Set the anger aside and be the bigger person by reaching out without mouthing off at each other. All it takes is for you to initiate the conversation. Kiss and make up!

I'm a rather patient person with an extremely bad temper. My fiancé and I argue over the most trivial things and this is how a usual fight goes between Jordan and I:

How do we resolve it?

It's usually me who approaches him after a heated argument since I begin it majority of the times. No matter how it kills me to admit it, I'm usually the one at fault. I've mentioned in the past how crabby I can be. I'll get dramatic over the smallest things and feel utterly guilty afterwards. A little cariño goes a long way. Being the way I am, I have come to realize that annoyance takes much longer to abate than anger itself. I can be irked for an hour and not want to be around people while when I'm angry, I'll be calm after I let out what's on my chest. Maybe that just goes for me.

This leads me to my second point...

To attain marital happiness, know when to apologize - When you're wrong, you're wrong and when you're right, you're right. Excuses only dig a deeper hole. Apologies don't always have to be serious. Be creative and repair your misunderstandings through simple gestures like a hug or tease her/him about something that you know will make your partner smile. One of the memorable apologies I got from my fiancé was when he made me giggle after an altercation.

Jordan approaches me as I push him away
Jordan: You know, you look sexy when you have an angry face.
Toni: Oh you shut up! I'm mad a you... (I try to secure a serious look.)
(Our eyes lock as he presses his face against mine. He gives me a big bear hug and then kisses my cheek as he wraps his arms tighter around me.)
Jordan: Are you okay now?
Toni: I love you, thank you.

Don't lose your individuality - Don't get me wrong, it's nice when you enjoy the same things your partner does but what about what you like? Keep in mind that s/he fell in love with you because of who you are so retain your hobbies. Do your hair the way you like it, continue to dress how you normally do prior to being with him, laugh the way you always have. Have a girls'/boys' night out! You don't have to be with your partner 24/7. Lets not smother the significant other. Everyone is dependent to a certain extent but living and breathing your partner to the point of doing every single thing with them is a summon for unhappiness. People prefer to be around those who are themselves. Don't put up a facade. Smile and show him/ her why s/he fell in love with you in the first place.


Talk about an awkward situation.

Love is not absolute - Like every other feeling, love ebbs and flows. Don't expect to live in a fairytale but rather, translate your dream relationship into a reality. Treat your partner the way you wish to be treated. Think twice before you speak and learn to listen to yourself. There's a huge line between hearing yourself and listening to what you're saying. What may seem frank to you may be hurtful to someone else. Keep things exciting by engaging with your partner in new ways.

You don't know how to cook? Learn to make your significant other's favorite dish.
Is s/he stressed at work? A quick massage can ease his/her stress.

Embrace your imperfections - There are times when we want to be perfect for our mates. Then again, I ask myself; WHY? You know you're with the right person when s/he makes you want to be a better person. It's when you feel at ease because a void has finally been filled. The traits peculiar to you make you endearing. Don't change that for anyone.

I like how Jordan's right dimple comes out when he laughs really hard or that he grimaces when I wake him up for work every morning. It's those little things that make me smile and say, "That's my papo."

My mom inculcated so much family values in me during my youth and one that left a mark with me was a saying in Filipino that goes something like, "Marriage is not like rice that you spit out when it's hot." I'm of age to marry though it may be too soon for some. I wouldn't dive head first into a relationship if my heart wasn't 100% into it. There will be inevitable rough patches, the usual highs and lows but those will only further fortify our relationship.

One other thing Jordan and I like to share:

Use alliterations - This may sound a tad corny but it works for us. Movie Mondays, Taco Tuesdays, Shopping Saturdays, Wacky Wednesdays and so on. Why not? Change it up and add more flavor to your week! It surely keeps me looking forward to the succeeding weeks. Shopping Sunday just passed! ;)


  1. I agree 100%, my fiance and I fight over some really dumb stuff sometimes too... Great blog post and good luck with getting married!

    check out my blog @ amberlashell.com

  2. I love this piece! you seems so mature in relationship. Keep the love flaming!

  3. Based from experienced too-- married for almost 2 years now.. I can say congratulations girl you truly are ready for this next chapter of your life.. All of these are true and there's more ... You and your man is a sweet couple! doing all those things to maintain a great relationship!

    Again Best wishes and Congratulations! :) I know u'll be one beautiful bride!

  4. First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I hope everything goes smoothly and you and your fiancee are in for a long, happy life together. :)

    Secondly, this is all fantastic advice and alliterations might be corny, but I agree that they are awesome. :D

  5. @AmberLaShell It's the little things that matter most to me so I get upset over the tiniest details too. Thank you! :)

    @vichygirl AWW Thank you so much! I appreciate that!

    @evey Thanks! I know that there are a lot more factors that go into a healthy relationship but for me, the points I stated are the center of it all. The rest are pretty much a given.

    Thank you so much! I'll upload some photos. ;)

    @Christina in Wonderland Thank you! We're aiming for a happily ever after. I wish the same for you. I like alliterations and it works for us so hopefully, it's the same for others.

  6. Oh I hate going to sleep angry! You are so right about that, but sometimes it's so hard to be the bigger person an apologize!
    You are far ahead of me there .... :D
    Congrats, girl and thanks for coming here in that rather busy time of your life! I enjoy reading your posts so much! Especially your little pieces of art you incorporate into your posts! :)


  7. love your drawings and congrats on the marriage!!

  8. First of all, I LOVE YOUR DRAWINGS! Super entertaining! and you make really good points regarding relationship. It takes two to tangle, right? And we just have to know the moment we need to compromise with our significant other. I was actually just like you drawing in an argument, I wouldn't stop until I got what I want, at first he would go along with my 'girl drama' but then he figured that the best way to handle me was to just let me calm and tell me how he cared. Awhhh

    Have a wonderful one, darl (:
    Ps. Keep us posted about your wedding!

    Sanny's Head to Heart

  9. aww this is great advice Toni! :D I can relate to that kinda stuff with my bf too!

  10. @Caroleena85 I don't like it either so no matter how irked I am, I make it a point to discuss what we feel. AWW.. Thank you, Caro! I try but sometimes, I'm very hard to handle because of my mood swings. I got a keeper. ;) I like checking up on the blogs I follow so you're welcome!

    @Mr. Pineapple Man Thanks a lot!

    @Sanny Thank you! They're silly drawings but I wanted to be a tad funny. Yes, it takes two to tango! Compromise is the key to every relationship. I know when I'm right and I don't like it when he insists that he is so I become so mean. I get quiet so that annoys him. I'd rather not speak because I want to avoid hurting him.

    I'll keep you updated for sure! ;)

    @Krissy You're sweet! Thank you! I know, right? I just go, "Whatever! I know I'm right." lol.

  11. Great tips! My hubby & I have always stood by the never going to sleep angry rule. I honestly -can't- sleep until everything's resolved. Congrats on your upcoming wedding :0)

  12. Your so right on point! It takes work to keep a good, healthy relationship, but it's worth it.

  13. Love your blog, & congrats on getting married soon!

    The lightening bolt in Jordan's hand had me laughing. I will try to remember all these rules when it comes time to enforce them ;) lol

  14. :) Just to let you know, I gave you an award on my blog! ;)


  15. This is soooo true I have been with my bloke for nine years and this is very us. I think in time you can find a great balance, and you kinda know where to back down, go on a night out, have a fight. You make up quicker, and can get away with more. I can't wait to see some of your wedding pictures ( I hope you post same), how are you even still blogging. Don't you have a heap of shit to sort?
    Well have an amazing day and remember to enjoy it, sometimes people get caught up in how everyone else is, and if everything is okay. Forget everything and enjoy your man, your outfit and being adored for the day. Hugs xxxxxx

  16. Well this is exactly the post I need to read!! Knowing when to apologize is big for me & not losing your individuality. Thanks for the info!!

  17. Congratulations!!!!!!!!!! That is so exciting!!I gotta agree with u dont go to sleep angry part. I just cant. I always gotta talk it out. Ive been living with my boyfriend for a yr so this so applies for me and him. I so trying "Use alliterations". Good advice. Congrats again!!!! :)

    *miss k

  18. I have been wanting to write a "How to have a healthy relationship" article on my blog, too, or something like that, but I figured I had a lot of growing up to do first before I could start giving people advice. Your article's enlightening; I think to myself that I already know these things, but everyone who is in a relationship should remind herself of the rules every now and then.

    > "My fiancé and I argue over the most trivial things..."
    Oh, am I glad to know this is not unique to us! It's so frustrating sometimes to have to argue about the most meaningless things. But I guess it's part of being in a relationship, huh?

    >"Like every other feeling, love ebbs and flows. Don't expect to live in a fairytale but rather, translate your dream relationship into a reality."
    Being a hopeless romantic, I find myself wishing a lot that our relationship were a fairy tale. Of course, this is unrealistic. If one were to treat a relationship like a fairy tale, or if one were to try to mold a relationship into one, one would only end up feeling frustrated and disappointed.

    In spite of fights and arguments and a non-fairy-tale-like reality, love is still such a wonderful thing, huh? I wouldn't give it up for the world!

    Thanks for the post! :)

  19. This is great advice! I'm getting msarried on July 3rd 2011 :). I will def put this info to use.

  20. @Leslie I'm the same way! I'm a staunch supporter of that rule! ;)

    @Emy Thanks Emy! I'm sure you have more experience than I do but this is my modest opinion. There's still a lot for me to learn. :)

    @daniela Thanks! :) The lightning bolt spruced up the illustration. hihi. I bet he wishes he has a lightning bolt every time we argue.

    @Caroleena85 Thank you! :) That's so sweet of you!

    @Vintage and Cake Congratulations with the beau! Nine years is admirable! You have a prized possession too. The adorable little tyke! :) I think regardless of the sexual orientation, we should all learn to give way. It's a civil wedding for now but I'll take a few photos. :) The drawings were necessary! lol.

    @Melanie's Randomness AWW! You're welcome and talking always remedies everything.

    @*MissK* Alliterations keep the days interesting since you can mix it up every now and then. :)

    @thebeatofmydrum.com My rules are rather basic. It's more of a reminder for me since I felt like pondering over our relationship. Fighting is inevitable but it should always be kept to a minimal. We can't live in a fairytale but a "happily ever after" is plausible. :)

    @Nikki Ms.Healthy KISSES Congratulations with your impending wedding! :) It's exciting, huh?

  21. Those are good advices thanks for sharing them! and congratulations!

  22. We celebrated our 9 year anniversary last month. We got married 3 days before 9-11.
    To me it was a tremendous help for Jeff and I to have lived together (having a long engagement) before we vowed in front of witnesses to stick together in sickness and in health. It sounds like you're on the right track. "Compromise" is I think what makes
    our marriage still standing as long it is shared equally. I agree with your statement of individuality. I think when you get married
    you tend to get so comfortable that you feel that you don't need to impress your mate anymore which I disagree.

    Looking forward to see your wedding pictures!

  23. nice tips, these are great reminders! haha hubby always apologize before I do, I'm kind of stubborn like that!

  24. @Mariane Thank you! :)

    @Caro AWW! You're welcome and thank you! ;)

    @Dhila Are you going to have a second wedding? You have a good point. We should still keep the fire going despite being married. It bugs me when couples don't do sweet things for each other just because they're married already.

    @Pop Champagne Thank you! :) You're married? I didn't know that! I saw your other page. You're one crafty woman!:)

  25. lmao i love love love your drawings but i totally get it. i married at a young age because we got pregies. we made the mature desision to get married because we didnt want the baby to be born out of wedlock. everything happened so fast and next thing you know we're fighting like crazy over all the smallest things. long story short we managed to talk things out and now we have a better understanding of each other =D its now 3yrs+ and still going strong and if anything it actually stonger then ever ♥ ♥ ♥

  26. great blog and great tips! i completely agree with not losing your individuality when dating someone - its so important!!! :) thank you for your sweet comment hope you'll visit me again soon and follow!


  27. That was damn cute. Congratulations on getting married. It's great to hear that you learned your faults as well as he has learned how to deal with not getting mad when you're mad. I'm pretty patient myself and have yet to lose my temper but I have a pretty high-tempered gf so I'm always on my toes. Lol.

  28. @ARES That's such a commendable thing to do! A young mama that's on the right path. ;) Best wishes to you and the hubby! Keep it strong!

    @Diana You're welcome and I think I am following you anyway.

    @Mike Thank you! You're next! :)) I'm quiet when I'm mad but blab when I'm annoyed. I'm a tad psycho. lol. WHOA! The lady keeps you alert, eh? Guys should be more like that! lol.

  29. So glad you followed my blog or I probably wouldn't have come across yours! Excellent tips...can't wait to go back and read the rest now! x

  30. Hi Toni! Stopping by from 20sb and I'm glad I did. I love this post and think you make some great points. I hate going to bed angry... All the best to you and your man for a great future together!

  31. Best wishes Toni!

    I'm happy for you. hugs!

  32. Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I agree- never going to bed angry is huge on my list as well!

  33. Super cute post, and good advice! I hate going to bed angry, though since we're not living together at this point it sometimes happens because dealing with relationship issues over the phone is hard. Good luck with the wedding, wish you all the best! Check out my blog if you have a chance, I'm trying to get into blogging regularly again.


  34. You two seem great with each other - definitely ready for marriage! (And I love the drawings!)

  35. @megankirk You're welcome and thank you! :)

    @noisyme Thanks Lalaine!

    @Brunch at Saks It's a rule of thumb! :)

    @Lau Thank you! I'm glad you concur. You'll weigh the relationship more once you live together. It was a learning experience for me. Thanks! :)

    @Megan AWW! Thanks so much! :)

  36. toni this is beautiful. i loved this post bcus its so true people fight over the dumbest thing and it kills me when im so hurt that i cant sleep but i hate to feel like im the one always bending over backwards to apologize n maybe im selfish but what to do when you treat some one the way you wish you were treated but it doesnt happen that way in the end? i know i have alot of growing up to do and trust me im working on it.. thank you for this!

    xoxo leslie

  37. @babycakez0426 AWW Thank you! The amount of comments I got for this post has overwhelmed me. I relate to you on that note since I feel the same way. It's the trivial things that upset me because when big issues arise, it's a do or die point in a relationship for me.

    I'm glad that you're working on it. That's all that matters. :) You're welcome and thanks for taking the time to comment!

  38. Oh these are so true :) Thank you for sharing. I am in an LDR too and it's kinda rough now. But I am glad it works out for you :) And you guys are such a cute couple ;)



  39. ok i like this..You are off to a great start. Half of the battle in any relationship is KNOWING HOW TO COMPROMISE and COMMUNICATE without COMPROMISING your established BOUNDARIES.. you are well on your way... be well


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